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Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
17
Mar
2008
Tags:
(1 vote)
by Alfie Kohn
Paperback
$11.20 USD
Paperback
$11.20 USD
Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, "What do kids need -- and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.
One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.
More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting -- including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.
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People say that what we are all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think this is what we’re really seeking. I think what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive.
-Joseph Campbell
Comments
The one that really got the ball rolling
By ArpThis book really struck a chord with me - even though I never finished it. M was almost 2, and we'd considered ourselves attachment parents for quite some time. But I'd never thought deeply about rewards and timeouts before - or even about being conditional, which seemed to come automatically.
I'd been used to heaping praise, good job! comes out automatically from the mouths of many well-meaning parents. I was one of them - heavy emphasis on was. Kohn speaks out against rewards, and right after reading about it, I saw what he meant in action.
We were out with some friends and M was helping their toddler eat. He gave her a morsel, looked at me and I smiled. Then he did it again. And again. And I realized that he was waiting for approval/praise - the reward. I immediately stopped because I want those little and big joys to be something personal and intrinsic.
I started noticing how automatic the typical parent's response to Look at me! is ... Good Job. The child wants some simple affirmation, or maybe just wants to share their experience, and the parent turns it, unthinkingly, into an external judgement. Over time, this becomes accepted by the child and later on, they look for external valdation for everything.
This is common and insidious - and something that unschoolers should really be aware of. We want our children to follow their love for learning, and supplying constant rewards works against that. If you're an attachment parent, being conditional works against that. This book is powerful and is definitely worth reading.
I guess this isn't a review as much as a statement of
1. I read it
2. I *got* it
3. It changed me
4. It became one of the foundations for my parenting
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