What are your personal reasons for unschooling?

Posted March 31st, 2008 by Arp

Over a year ago, Dumbing Us Down convinced me that unschooling was the way to go. But you still have to look inside yourself for compelling reasons to support unschooling. At least I felt that way, that the external and internal reasons needed to be combined to complete the big picture.

I also was concerned about saddling my kids with my baggage. Am I making a decision more for them? Or more for me? The whole process of going against the societal norms is daunting, with lots of Am I doing the right thing? worries. For the most part, I don't have those worries now. They've faded over time, but I remember them cropping up quite frequently early on. Learning to trust my kids and myself has been a journey, and it's not over by any means.

But I have looked inside myself for the compelling reasons. Like many parents, I'd like my kids to have it better than I did. The it is specifically the ability to be themselves and follow their dreams. Here are my personal reasons to be an unschooler:

1. My interests haven't changed much in 25-ish years. When I was 10, I liked dinosaurs, mythology, Renaissance art and ancient cultures. At the time, I asked my dad for books on Michelangelo & Da Vinci. He was stunned but never followed up on it (I can understand - arts book are expensive, and we weren't rich).

I added some more interestes since then, but just about anything on either of those 4 topics will hold my interest. I ended up studying Economics in college and hated every minute, a waste of time & money.

2. In some 16+ years of schooling, 3 specific things stand out as memories of wonderful learning or a point of personal pride. A high school paper on comic books, a college class on Hinduism and learning languages. They're definitely reflections of personal interest. I don't think the rest of the stuff was worth it - especially since I could have learned all of that without school.

3. Everything I do to earn money, I taught myself. I'm not talking about writing and math, but the specific skills that I use that result in my income: coding websites, IT stuff and all that. Realizing that my own interest led me to learn everything myself was a revealing moment.

4. (Caveat: this is probably baggage) When I was 11, I spent an afternoon considering the whole concept of college deeply. This was some serious thought. I knew that college was important, thought of what I liked to do and what I was good at, and I came to the conclusion that I wanted to go to art school.

I went down to my dad's office in the basement and told him of my decision. The man blew up at me, railing about getting a job blah blah blah. I was crushed and gave up the idea of art school after that. The kicker is that it was his baggage being dumped on me - he went to art school and never did a thing with it. He was also foolish enough to not even try. I'm quite sure he could've gotten work as a commercial artist in advertising, but the loss is his. I bring out this memory on the rare occasions he pisses me off these days. Needless to say, I would not do this to my kids.

So I'm now curious - what are your reasons for unschooling? Do you find that the personal reasons are more inspirational than external reasons?

PS The picture has nothing to do with unschooling. I just like it :-)

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because I'm lazy...

On March 31st, 2008 Tracey says:

I have no problem admitting that I can be quite lazy. I'll do what NEEDS to be done, but do those dishes REALLY need to get done today? or tomorrow? I'm lazy...always have been...and I'm okay with this. I'd much rather snuggle my kids and/or read a book or watch LOST then clean. Call me nuts.

So, when I first became a parent (nearly 6 years ago now!), people who knew me said that after having (and "dealing" with) N as he grew, I'd change my mind about having a ton of kids. These same people said that I'd never keep using the cloth diapers...it was too much work. I'd never keep breastfeeding...it's so much easier to use bottles... And, one of the first things that I should do is start feeding him on a schedule and training him to sleep on his own...it would help ME out so much.

Well, I caught on pretty quickly that cloth diapers are a lot of work (but I felt very strongly about using cloth)...breastfeeding can get tiring, since I was the only one who could feed the baby...and gee, if only I could get that baby to sleep on his own...

Skip ahead 6 years. I've got three (plus) kids--two in cloth diapers (that'll change to three in cloth diapers in a few months), I've breastfed each child until they weaned on their own (usually when I was pregnant with the next child), we're not done having kids (not sure how many we'll end up with...), I feed my kids whenever they are hungry or thirsty (don't they know when they want/need to eat??), and the three kids rarely sleep alone (unless they pass out somewhere while playing). Our house is a mess, we're all happy most of the time.

I have followed my gut with parenting. Yes, I've had some slip-ups along the way. But, I have finally said to myself that I am doing what I feel in my heart is the best for my family.

With the diapering, I felt strongly about it...for the health of my family and the Earth. Breastfeeding is something that I feel SO strongly about...for the health of my family and the Earth...and I'm cheap. Plus, what could be lazier than breastfeeding?? I don't wash bottles, mix formula, have to remember to buy said formula, etc., etc. ...I just lift up my shirt. In not scheduling feedings, I also don't have to remember when they last ate, keep track of what time it is, or any of that. Plus, babies know when they're hungry...I know when I'm hungry. Co-sleeping has allowed me to sleep more, I hook up a baby and go back to sleep while they eat, and I get bonus snuggle time.

When it came to investigating homeschooling, I had already decided to embrace my laziness. I read through all of the styles of homeschooling, and when I read about unschooling...I couldn't believe my eyes!! Holy laziness! And, it felt right in my heart, the more that I read about it.

I now not only embrace my laziness, but I think that it is helping me be an excellent parent.

Sorry for the huge ramble...I hope that you get my point...

~Tracey

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Sloth has been needlessly demonized

On March 31st, 2008 Arp says:

The whole idea that there's So Much that Has To Be Done is total bs. I feel that way with regards to work and I notice it has a detrimental affect on my family. Being able to fulfill needs and go with the flow is more important, by far.

I dunno why people make choices that result in more work, aside from ethics or quality of life (ie cloth diapering). I'm always amazed that more people aren't as gung-ho about breastfeeding and co-sleeping for the reasons you mentioned.

I have to admit laziness too - I just don't want to work that hard. I'd rather enjoy life instead. The weeks that I work a lot are not all that great for everyone else.

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right on!

On March 31st, 2008 Tracey says:

I think that my entire point of that big, rambling post was just that:

I'm lazy...if I were an animal, I'd probably be a sloth. I am unmotivated to do things that aren't interesting to me...but if something has a lot of meaning for me, I'll do it.

In some ways, unschooling is lazy (I'm SO not saying that is bad.). In other ways, unschooling (especially radical unschooling) is very NOT lazy...like "unconditional parenting" is not so easy for me. It actually takes a lot of effort to change my ways. But overall, what could be more lazy than just letting your child do their own thing, and staying out of the way?

And that's part of it's appeal to me...unschooling is lazy, attachment parenting is lazy. Obviously, my husband and I feel that it's worth the hard work that IS involved, and that it's the right way to go, too.

Just think how much happier the world would be if more people embraced being lazy...

~Tracey

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reason for unschooling...

On April 1st, 2008 (no name please) (not verified) says:

Oh, gosh...I suppose there are many reasons:
1) Every second of my life (and the life of my child) is a learning experience...
2) I didn't want anyone force-feeding him facts, if those were facts that he didn't want to know...
3) I have a deep trust and a deep respect for my child's natural learning style
4) Like others, I was not brought up to persue my dream (musical theatre)...I remember visiting a conservatory when I was 16 and wanting so badly to go there and knowing I could get in....Weeks later, I had a talk with my mother, who said "you know what? I don't want my daughter singing on cruise ships for the rest of her life...choose a more academic path..." (I did...I rebelled...and then went right back to the academic path)...Beacause, you know, once a dream is crushed, it's hard to resurrect it...)
5) I really like being with my child...

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All so true

On April 1st, 2008 Arp says:

The one-size-fits-all aspect of school really sucks. Sometimes I see M do something and I wonder how he'd be stifled if he were in school. How he'd be engaged in something and then made to stop because time was up. Time shouldn't be an issue at all. Passionate people always lose track of time.

The more I become an unschooler (I do think it's increasing as time goes on), the more I also realize how special it is to be with my kids. They're adorable, they're fun and they're full of surprises. My own love of learning has come back, and I have this gut feeling that it kinda pushed me to really pursue my dreams (of moving to Costa Rica) too.

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too much to say

On April 2nd, 2008 jaybay says:

When I heard myself slam my open hand on the table while yelling at my then six
year old daugher WHY DON'T YOU KNOW THIS YET?!?! I knew right then and there that I was going to dump all formal homeschooling schoolwork. No more papers, no more curriculum, no more lesson plans, no more comparing myself to other parents or my child to others of the same age. So what if Leah's twin girls of the same age want to read biographies about Abraham Lincoln?

Schedules be damned. I don't need to set a timer so that my girlies know it is time for a snack. I'd rather my children stay up past 10 o'clock because they just have to see GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE (never mind the dude in the loin cloth, that's just a bonus for mom) because the are turning the downstairs into a jungle.

The honest to goodness truth of it all is that I would rather my children grew up less achievement oriented (if that be the end result) so they can be happy in their skin. Knowing they are safe, loved, valued, respected and cherished by me is a valuable foundation. In my eyes it is of serious benefit for them to know that I want to spend as much time with them as I can because I enjoy their company, like their personalities, and *want* to be with them.

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I was hyper-competitive

On April 2nd, 2008 Arp says:

And I really don't wish that on my children. I know that children do have a need for a finite result, and it's important to be gracious as a winner and loser, but competing just saps the joy out of an activity.

Sometimes I also noticed that I just felt bad about the way some interactions went. Eventually I figured out that if I don't feel good about it, I probably should change my approach.

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freedom

On April 20th, 2008 KarlaMaria says:

Complete freedom is the compelling reason we unschool. I don't want to be tied to a school schedule. I feel a little tug still because I have to plan around my kids' friends' school schedule. Regarding our children, we don't want anyone to tell us what to do or when to do it. Hubby has an almost palpable distaste for authority. (You should see when he gets pulled over by a cop) We joke and call him "The Misanthrope", but his ways have rubbed off on me over the years. I'm not the drone I once was. It really all began with La Leche League and devouring all of their books from the lending library. The footnotes and bibliographies of those books lend to other books. The book "Carschooling" got me excited about learning on the go rather than use a curriculum. Eventually we got to John Holt and took off from there. K's homebirth in 2006 set in stone our non-mainstream ways. Unschooling fits into our lifestyle.

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Yes!

On April 20th, 2008 Arp says:

For years I told people that I was a misanthropic people person. The conversations tended to end quickly after that.

Unschooling is definitely a lifestyle, and I can see that there are many people who just don't 'get' it. I too was a drone once, but I don't think that I totally changed until our homebirth in 2005 (she'll be 3 in 10 days :-)). I haven't been able to pinpoint it, but I see a definite before & after with the homebirth. Maybe it was something happening that was everything that we felt it could be. Perhaps it was the confidence that grew from letting go and trusting our intuitions.

Six months later M turned 3 and we started to consider school and it just seemed to be anti-attachment parenting to send him to school. Like we spent 5 years nurturing the attachment and then throwing it away. I suppose the end result is that the more I go with my gut, the more satisfied I tend to be with the outcome.

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you're right

On April 21st, 2008 KarlaMaria says:

There is something about our homebirth too that was life changing. We did it, we 'broke' the rules and it worked. I think I can speak for Mike too and say that we sensed that we could do ANYTHING after that. This feeling was encouraged by breaking another 'rule': we didn't use diapers on K beginning at one month old. We had our doubts at first (and plenty of doubters) but we decided to trust her despite an accident here/there. She'll be two next month and it seems like she's been attending to her own elimination needs for quite some time now (except #2 wiping)

Maybe it's the risk taking and having it turn out alright that gives the confidence boost. Bigger the risk, bigger the boost? Not sure. But, it irks me a bit that I didn't gain the confidence I have now, earlier in my life. Not enough risk taking in school. Not enough opportunities for self-confidence building. Almost everything is planned out for you on the school path. There is no forging of a new path.

Will my girls get a chance at confidence boosters? Or will they just know how to think out of the box because they live it everyday? M1 has been asking me to tell her what to do in certain social situations because she just doesn't know what to do. She's afraid of making a mistake. I'm bummed that somehow I might have inadvertently caused this with some off comment or something. M1 says no, she just wants to know. It will take time and lots of experiences to build her confidence up and to trust herself. It is scary to think what would happen to her in school.

Lately, each time M1 asks me for direction, I keep thinking of this quote:

"The test of intelligence is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do" - John Holt in "How Children Learn"

Maybe I'm giving off this vibe and M1 is picking up on it. She's awfully good at that.

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belief & trust

On April 21st, 2008 Arp says:

KarlaMaria wrote:

Maybe it's the risk taking and having it turn out alright that gives the confidence boost. Bigger the risk, bigger the boost? Not sure.

It's definitely a boost in confidence. It was doing something we believed. That reminds me of The X-Files and Mulder's I want to believe poster. Maybe I liked it because I wanted to believe in *something* and after I found that something, everything else started to fall into place.

KarlaMaria wrote:

But, it irks me a bit that I didn't gain the confidence I have now, earlier in my life. Not enough risk taking in school. Not enough opportunities for self-confidence building. Almost everything is planned out for you on the school path. There is no forging of a new path.

I imagine our kids will be different, won't they? Trish told me yesterday how M was having a disagreement at a neighbor's house with some visiting kids and he refused any assistance and said he could handle it. I still can't think about without tears welling. He's got some confidence that I didn't know he had. The more I let go and trust him, the more he surprises me with his depth and abilities.

KarlaMaria wrote:

That's really interesting. I know that M totally feeds off me. If I'm in a crabby mood, even if I try my best to avoid being around him he inevitably has a bad day too.

But every kid's different and it's fascinating that M1's taking such a logical approach. Maybe she's taking the more efficient route to learning by asking rather than waiting & observing. Or could she be very empathetic to someone else's feelings?

School itself is scary for a lot of reasons. Anything that involves trying to get children to be quiet and pay attention repeatedly is scary.

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